When it comes to the bedtime routine, parents and children often face the challenge of separation anxiety, which is especially common in toddlers and preschoolers. Coming from a background in psychotherapy and specializing in children’s sleep, I know the emotional and normalized complexities that this brings.
What is Seperation Anxiety?
Separation anxiety at bedtime can look like a child who feels uneasy about being without their parents or primary caregiver during sleep. This is a normal part of their development and can also look like struggling to go to daycare or school.
Symptoms of this anxiety include significant crying and holding onto their caregiver, refusal to go to bed or sleep alone, multiple trips back to the parent’s bedroom in the middle of the night, and nightmares.
Understand that separation anxiety is not something that should be ignored, but should be addressed with a collaborative approach between you and your child.
Why Does It Happen?
Children’s brains are still developing, making it difficult for them to understand that being apart from a caregiver is temporary.
This lack of cognitive flexibility can intensify feelings of fear and anxiety at bedtime. Additionally, children are wired for closeness and may feel vulnerable when separated, especially during nighttime when they are more susceptible to fears and anxieties.
Evidence-Based Strategies to Ease Bedtime Separation Anxiety
Establish a Consistent Bedtime Routine
A predictable routine signals to your child that bedtime is approaching and provides a sense of security. When we give our kids a heads-up that bedtime is approaching, they know what to expect. We can also partake in activities that can calm them down, such as reading a favourite book, dimming the lights, and playing quiet games.
Implement a Gradual Separation Approach
When facing the challenge of bedtime separation from your child you could try a gradual approach.
- Sit beside their bed as they drift off to sleep and then start to slowly cut back your visits over a few nights.
- Use a comfort object, like a favorite blanket or stuffed animal, to provide reassurance.
- Establish a “goodnight” ritual, such as a special handshake or phrase, to reinforce your connection.
Validate your Child’s Feelings
It’s helpful to validate your child’s feelings, too, you could say something like “I understand you’re feeling scared, but you’re safe here”. Children want to feel seen and heard, just like we do! Make that connection with them that you are there for them.
Create a Connection Bridge
Younger children can be helped by creating a symbolic connection. Take them by the hand, draw a heart on your hand and theirs to signify your bond and tell them that you have an invisible thread that will keep you together. If you can’t be there with them every night, leave a family photo or a note that lets them know you’ll always be there with them.
Be Calm, Cool, and Collected
Children often mirror their caregivers’ emotions. By remaining calm and confident during bedtime, you model emotional regulation and help your child feel more secure.
Final Thoughts
Separation anxiety at bedtime is a common developmental phase that can be managed with patience, consistency, and empathy. By implementing these strategies, you can help your child feel secure and supported during bedtime, fostering healthier sleep habits and emotional well-being. Reach out to support@sleepbaby.ca for a free consultation to discuss your needs.
